


The Spiral

by thestoryofme13



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series), Thomas Sanders
Genre: AU, Depression, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-18
Updated: 2018-03-12
Packaged: 2019-02-16 10:54:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 17,001
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13052553
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thestoryofme13/pseuds/thestoryofme13
Summary: This is the prequel to Saving Me- my brain came up with Saving Me first but you all needed background so I am writing the prequel first





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Friends in Dark Places](https://archiveofourown.org/works/12186492) by [ilovemygaydad](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ilovemygaydad/pseuds/ilovemygaydad). 



> Warnings: Swearing, intrusive thoughts, unworthy, wanting death, anxiety  
> This is my attempt at an AU, but please look out for the warnings before each chapter, this is going to be triggering and I am going to do my best to tag all of them but I will need your help to make sure I don’t miss anything. I want you as readers to be safe.

(FLASHBACK) Virgil never really enjoyed school, sure learning was fine but school, there were too many people and the teachers were rude. He was dreading high school; his parents had waited for him to finish eighth grade before they moved. Virgil silently thanked his mother’s new boss for allowing them to relocate after graduation rather than in March, that would’ve been Virgil’s own version of hell. It’s not like he had many friends, to begin with so leaving them wasn’t a problem, but the move was not just a different school district, no that would be way too easy, it was a totally different state and different time-zone move.

Freshman year of high school had started about how Virgil anticipated, he HATED it. The people weren’t awful but there were far too many for Virgil’s liking, he had always been anxious, and people combined with new situations often caused his anxiety to be higher than average. He had tried to make friends, but he figured most people were only being nice because they felt bad for him because he was the “new kid.” Well, except Logan, he found lying “illogical,” supposedly the nerd didn’t make friends easily either and decided the two misfits should stick together. Not that Virgil minded, it was nice to feel, wanted.

It only started going downhill around September/October, one month of school that seemed manageable maybe like he could possibly survive but then the universe was like, “Huh maybe we should make Virgil’s life more difficult, complicated, and confusing.” Virgil and Logan had become close. Well, as close as two people can be without letting their walls down, vulnerability was something the two of them struggled with. Logan and Virgil wanted to know more about each other but neither wanted to push the other out of their comfort zone for fear of losing the best friend they have ever had. 

Then it happened, Virgil had developed feelings for his best friend, the emotional connection was initially what started it but then he slowly started noticing that Logan was also attractive. The friendship could’ve been enough if it weren’t for Virgil’s feelings that made him want to know EVERYTHING about Logan. Virgil tried to hide the feelings and tell himself that if he stopped thinking this way then it would go away. Maybe if Virgil could stop thinking about his best friend in a romantic way then the feelings would disappear on their own. Boy was he wrong.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: Swearing, intrusive thoughts, unworthy, wanting death, insecurities, anxiety,

(Flashback) Logan wasn’t a huge fan of extracurricular activities because, they could be disruptive and take away from his school work but, quiz bowl was the exception. Quiz bowl tested his knowledge on a vast majority of subjects and helped him learn new facts. It also fulfilled his parents need for him to have “social interactions.” Two birds with one stone, what Logan hadn’t factored in was that there were some very attractive guys on his quiz bowl team, not that any of them would ever express any interest in Logan. His intellect was probably the only attention-grabbing aspect of himself, his looks were mediocre and average at best, not that he was complaining he was content with the way he looked, most days that is.

One day the impossible happened, at least Logan had deemed it impossible or possible with a very low probability. Garret one of the most attractive guys on the quiz bowl team had asked Logan out, Logan just had to tell someone! Virgil would be happy for him, right? That’s what friends were for. 

The day after Garret asked Logan out, Logan searched for Virgil in the lunch room, going to their usual spot. Virgil was already sitting staring at the unappetizing food before him, when he felt a pair of eyes on him, sure enough, his instinct was right Logan was approaching their table and he was practically vibrating with excitement, it was a nice change of pace to see Logan look so happy. Virgil thought, “Wouldn’t it be nice if I was the reason….fuck V, stop thinking like that!” after sorting out his own thoughts he returned back to the world and waited anxiously for his best friend to approach the table.

Logan was so excited that he could barely contain himself, no sooner than he sat down at the table did his mouth open to spill the news, “Garretaskedmeout!!!” Virgil chuckled, when Logan got excited he had a tendency to run his words together and forget to breathe between sentences, it was incredibly adorable, “Lo, if you could stop speaking cursive that would be helpful.” Logan blushed, he knew this was a habit of his, and he hated it, he took a deep breath in and decided to repeat himself, “Garret asked me out!” Virgil’s face fell ever so slightly, enough for an observant person to notice, but he quickly masked his pain behind a fake smile, “I’m happy for you, Logan.” It was rare that Virgil used Logan’s full name, but the nerd was too excited to connect the dots, but who could blame him. They talked for the rest of the lunch period although Virgil was hardly participating, he wanted to leave this room and hide, but he didn’t want Logan to worry; so he faked being okay and put on a happy face.

Virgil couldn’t believe it, his best friend the guy he had come to develop feelings for had been asked out by arguably one of the most attractive guys in their grade. While Virgil, didn’t want to like Logan romantically, it somehow wasn’t a choice, so upon hearing the news, it broke his heart, in a way that your first real crush could only accomplish. He wanted to be happy for his friend, but he also wanted to cry and scream that the universe was unfair. The universe had given Virgil this amazing friend and then had him develop feelings for said friend only for a cruel twist of fate to have Logan asked out by a different amazing guy, if this didn’t sum up Virgil’s life then nothing else would.

Virgil couldn’t help but worry about the idea that Garret being in Logan’s life, would mean that Logan and he would have less time to spend together, and that was a saddening thought. Unfortunately for Virgil, his worry was not unfounded. It was very little things at first and Virgil expected that; the relationship was new and exciting and desperately needed time to grow and flourish. The little things like Garret coming to sit at their table weren’t so bad, he was a great guy, Logan was truly lucky. Although Virgil could live without being the third wheel, the two boys were always so engrossed in each other that Virgil rarely spoke or was spoken to, he didn’t expect much else from two people in the “honeymoon” phase. It was still irritating.

What finally broke Virgil’s heart was that Logan and he had planned to have a movie night and Logan had canceled at the last-minute citing that Garret needed his immediate attention. Virgil wouldn’t usually be phased, sure he’d be disappointed, but it would be easily forgotten after all people forgetting or canceling plans on him was something he had become accustomed to, why should this be any different. Virgil knew better than to get excited over things, because once he was excited it would always blow up in his face, so he would always set up things with people thinking they will cancel or he’d act very indifferent to the activity in hopes that his real excitement doesn’t show through his façade. 

The difference this time was that Logan hated canceling plans, once something was planned it was his obligation to follow through, it was something Virgil admired about his nerd. This cancellation hit hard because it was not the first time Logan had canceled, but the second time! Virgil was angry, hurt, and scared of losing his best friend to this new relationship, but he would never tell Logan. 

Logan hated discussing feelings, he hated feelings in general but realized how important they were, but that didn’t mean he’d like to acknowledge them in a conversation. So, for now, Virgil just keeps all his insecurities to himself, why bother someone else with his useless thoughts.

Logan hated canceling plans and distancing himself from Virgil, it wasn’t on purpose but Garret needed him, and Logan had trouble saying no to those green eyes when they looked at him. He felt bad for canceling plans and leaving Virgil by himself at lunch some days but Garret turned Logan to mush. All logical thinking and self-control went out the window.

The canceling of plans and distance continued for about two months when Virgil had finally given up and reached his limit. He was emotionally drained, he could barely take it anymore, his best friend was barely speaking to him at this point and it was killing him.

One day in chemistry they were performing an experiment that used Hydrochloric acid when the teacher saw that Virgil was leaning in a bit too close to the beaker, “Virgil, please use the necessary precautions when dealing with this acid! If not, it may damage your skin, lungs, or if you’re really unlucky it’ll kill you.” Virgil chuckled, “My dude, death would be nice right about now.” His classmates looked horrified, all the students were at least one grade above Virgil, so they tended to avoid him. Who would want to be paired with the wicked smart underclassman? Virgil just shrugged, his sense of humor had always been dark, but there was no denying the slight truth to his remark.

One of the students looked particularly panicked, he knew that Virgil was a little odd, but he couldn’t help but feel like something was bothering the little one. Patton Jacobs was a junior and knew how scary high school could be, so he made it his mission to look out for the underclassmen. Patton had seen how Virgil usually kept to himself and he wanted to make sure that the kiddo knew that he had a support system, but he didn’t want to overwhelm him. It only took a few minutes before he had a brilliant idea, he’d leave little notes in Virgil’s locker. The only problem was that he had no clue what locker was his, so he would have to follower Virgil out of chemistry and hope he stops by his locker on his way to his next class.

Once class was out, Patton was rushing to keep pace with Virgil, “Gee, this freshman sure could run out of a room quickly! He should think about doing cross-country.” But Patton was up for the challenge, he lucked out and Virgil did happen to stop by his locker between classes, Patton made note of which locker was his, 413. Then took out a pad of electric blue post-it notes and wrote the first note, “Reason to live no. 1: PUPPIES!” Once Virgil had retrieved his books for his next class, Patton ran in and slid the note through the locker, praying to any being out there that would listen, that Virgil would find the note.

Virgil hated honors English but the good thing about it was that he could mostly zone out and Logan was in his class, while Garret was not. Obviously, they couldn’t talk in class because Virgil was pretty sure that would give Logan an aneurysm, but ever since he started dating Garret, Logan had stopped paying attention apparently his lap was more interesting than the lecture, not that Virgil was the entranced by it either, but he at least had the common decency to doodle, not text. 

Virgil hated what this relationship was doing to Logan, he seemed like a totally different person, canceling plans, texting in class, ignoring friends. Virgil would take a guess that his grades might be suffering a bit as well, but Logan was head over heels, there was very little that could free him from his enchantment.

Eventually honors English ended and Virgil was able to leave, not only this class but the entire building, school was over….well for today that is. He raced out of that classroom, not bothering to acknowledge Logan trying to get his attention, he was hurt and when that happens Virgil tended to be petty. He reached his locker and slid his headphones on from his locker, hoping that anyone who might try to talk to him would see them and think differently.

He was gathering his books for the night when a brightly colored blue piece of paper caught his eye, he reached down, this wasn’t supposed to be here. Virgil held it in his hand and read the writing, he smiled to himself for a split second then panic arose, “Who thought he needed reasons to live? Was this a joke?” He looked around for anyone who could have put the note in his locker but saw no one, he would keep this to himself, but this note would be going on the inside of his closet at home, so he could look at it when he needed it and without others judging him.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: thinking of death, body image, anxiety, worthlessness, swearing, self-harm (It is more akin to bad coping mechanisms in this chapter because it involves really cold water)

(Flashback) Virgil was sitting on his bed looking at the lonely sticky note on his closet door, “Did he actually need reasons to live? Did he want to die?” The answer was yes, he needed reasons to live, his life had all too quickly spiraled, the guy he had fallen for and coincidentally his best friend was dating someone else and also not really talking to Virgil at the moment. Then as an added bonus to his personal life being a mess was that school was DIFFICULT! In grade school, he still had to study yes, but not near as much and usually, his grades would reflect the time he put in, but high school just had to be different.

Guess now he had to think about the second question, “Did he want to die?” That question was tough, it’s not that he really wanted to die, it was more complicated than that. He just wanted to stop feeling, while he was great at pretending to be numb, he was actually falling to pieces. The last time he actually felt a positive emotion had to be a couple months ago. Most of his feelings at this point were depression, anger, and hurt. Virgil felt like he was not in control, and he hated it.

The thing about living with anxiety, at least if you’re Virgil, not feeling in control of your life or the situation, is terrifying. The whole situation of not being entirely sure what was happening or exactly what his relationship with Logan was from one day to the next caused a lot of anxious feelings to bubble up. Not being in control produced many variables to the point where Virgil could not accurately predict what the outcomes would be, making every day a new living nightmare.

Predicting outcomes of things was not quite the correct way to word it, Virgil had observed so many people over years of being a wallflower that he figured there are only so many different reactions a person can have in certain situations. For the most part, social interaction could go one of two ways, either it could have a negative or positive reaction and based on the person and topic Virgil was very good at predicting which reaction he would elicit from someone. The problem now was that the person he was closest to and was pretty much capable of predicting their every reaction was no longer a factor in his life, leading to every day and every interaction being different.

Logan had been his first real friend, someone that made Virgil feel wanted like he wasn’t a burden. Once Logan started canceling plans it was the reminder that Virgil needed, to remember that he wasn’t worth it. He wasn’t worth anything, he was utterly useless. If the person Virgil had called his best friend, had deemed that Virgil wasn’t even worth a text to check in on him or an apology for canceling so many plans, then how could he feel worthy of anything.

Virgil hadn’t noticed he was crying until he saw the wet spots on his jeans, he was just so exhausted. Logan had a point, feelings were awful and illogical, these feelings had consumed Virgil for the past couple of months: worthlessness, sadness, hopelessness, and anger. Feeling all of these emotions had generally made Virgil exhausted, he wanted so much to be numb. If he shut Logan out of his life maybe the loneliness and sense of betrayal would subside, Virgil scoffed at that idea, like it was up to him to shut out Logan or that the nerd would notice at this point. If feelings were always this bad and persisted for this long, he wasn’t going to make it.

Virgil sighed and shoved off his bed, he needed to feel something, anything that was different from this wonderful downward spiral that was his life. It was nearly 10 o’clock, he had finished all his homework for tomorrow, and until Friday but no one had to know that. Once an assignment was assigned a due date Virgil’s anxiety took over and forced him to finish it, didn’t matter if the due date was tomorrow or three months. The minute something was assigned, the panic set in, “What if he were to forget about it later? What if the teacher decides it’s due earlier? Or what if something happens and he won’t have a lot of time closer to the deadline?” These thoughts and many of similar sentiment is what fueled his overachieving, he was also a firm believer in doing it perfect the first time; rather than needing to spend less time to do it once and then have to fix it later. It’s not that he was smart, it was more that his anxiety wouldn’t let him relax. He had to work his ass off for everything he ever did, which was extremely satisfying, at least before high school that is.

Deciding it was probably a good idea to at least try to get ready for bed, even though he knew his mind would race and that dream would come again. He shuddered at the thought of repeating that singular dream. He needed to shower, god how he hated showering! For one thing, it took too much time, he could be studying, doing homework, or literally anything else.

The second reason was that when he was younger he wouldn’t shower sometimes for days, and finally, his mother brought it up and asked, “Do you refuse to shower because you have body image issues?” Virgil didn’t want his mother to worry. So, obviously, he did what any good son would and replied with, “No, of course not. I just hate that it takes so much time out of my day.” His mother just laughed, how she got so lucky with a child that was school centered instead of relationship crazy his mother will never know, but she thanked whoever was responsible for that blessing. Virgil remembered that day, after replying to his mother he didn’t want her to worry so he forced himself to take a shower being very careful to avoid the mirrors, and if he cried in the shower it was quiet and comforting because no one would know.

His body image issues, hadn’t improved or worsened since then but he still hated showers, now he took them every day because he felt obligated to. Who this obligation was to, he’ll never know, maybe it was to make sure his mother didn’t worry, she had enough to think about without him making it worse. The baggy clothes that Virgil forced his mother to buy were for two reasons mostly for comfort because clothing clinging to his caused him to panic, and the second reason is because with the baggy clothes he could hide the everything he hated about his body. It’s not like he was overweight, but his stomach was anything but flat, his thighs had acne and stretch marks that made him never want to wear shorts, but he guessed everything else wasn’t too bad. These insecurities were things that he was hyper-aware of and felt like everyone he met would notice them first.

He grabbed a clean pair of boxer shorts and a loose shirt, and continued to his bathroom, in the new house he had a bathroom connected to his room, which he loved. The shower could be a little fickle, but he was too tired to remember, so he undressed and jumped in the shower. Once in the shower he turned on the water, he knew most people did it the other way, but he liked this way no real reason why just weird. 

The water would usually come on hot immediately so there was no shock, but god forbid this universe to help him, nope that would be too easy. Today the water just had to come out freezing, Virgil couldn’t help but notice that at least the cold water made him feel something. It wasn’t a good feeling in the slightest, but damn it was nice to feel something. He knew he should have turned the water up, but he couldn’t. He was shaking and shivering, but this cold made it impossible to think about the shit going on his life. He was losing his mind if he thought freezing water was the answer to all the problems, but he couldn’t help but laugh at this situation. There he was in the shower shivering and shaking, to the point of not being able to move and laughing. If anyone were to see him surely, they would think something was wrong and that he needed help, but the thing is, he was happy. The pain from the freezing water made all his problems melt away, some part of him knew this was not a healthy coping technique but he didn’t care. Virgil had finally figured out something that made him forget how crappy his life was, even if it was painful! The freezing water felt like needles on every inch of his skin, but all he could do was laugh because how messed up did he have to be to use a different form of pain to avoid dealing with his emotional pain. Maybe this escape would encourage him to take more showers.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Virgil's dream and the issues from the last chapter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: Swearing, crying, Self-harm (freezing water), divorce, kissing, wanting to be numb, hopelessness

Virgil had finally stopped shivering, laughing, and crying for long enough to shut off the water. He hadn’t realized just how cold the water was until he stepped out of the shower and it was warmer in the bathroom than the shower. He shuddered as he exited to grab his towel and dry himself off, while it was nice to be numb for a while he was just ready to go to bed. Virgil had nothing left to give for today, or really any day.

Virgil had long since given up hope of tomorrow being better than the day before. When he woke up the next day he would still have no friends, the guy he fell for would still be in a relationship, and high school would still be kicking his ass. So, yeah, he had given up hope for his days getting better but in his mind, it was highly unlikely his life could get worse at this point.

Virgil had finally dried enough to put on his pjs, he stood in the doorway looking at his bed, it looked so inviting. When they moved to the new house his room was significantly larger than in the old house, and his mother still felt guilty for the interstate move and decided to buy him a queen-sized bed, which engulfed him with room to spare. Once the size of the bed had been determined they also had to pick out the frame and the bedding. Virgil’s mom allowed him to pick out whatever frame and bedding he wanted so he ended up with a black metal bed frame paired with black sheets and a dark purple (near black) comforter, his mother had questioned his choices but the “perks” of being a child of divorce are the guilt presents.

There was a time when he would take solace in his bed, but currently it was the enemy. Well, his bed wasn’t the enemy per se, it was his brain that caused that dream for the past couple of months. His bed and his dreams were meant to be his escape from the hell and agony that was his life, but no his life had to constantly be bad. He sighed in defeat, from the spot where he was leaning in the doorway of the bathroom. He looked at the clock it was now 10:30, if he wanted any hope of waking up not feeling like shit he would need to go to sleep. He trudged to his bed, finally succumbing to the siren song that was sleep. Right before surrendering to sleep, he silently hoped and prayed to anyone willing to listen that he would be able to have a night where he would not remember his dreams. Just one night, one would be enough.

(That Dream) Virgil was sitting at the lunch table he had always sat at, waiting for Logan to join him for lunch, sometimes the nerd forgot to leave the library, then Virgil would be forced to physically drag him out of his “oasis”. It was common knowledge, at least to Virgil, that when Logan got engrossed in a project he would forget to eat, sleep, or other “normal” human functions needed to stay alive.

Virgil looked at his phone, it had been ten minutes since lunch period had begun. He started packing up his lunch quickly realizing that today would be one of those days where he would have to find and drag Logan out of the library. He finished packing up his lunch and decided he should stop at Logan’s locker before, heading to the library to fetch the nerd. The less time that was wasted the more time he and Logan had to eat and enjoy their time together.

Virgil stopped at Logan’s locker and put in the combination. Logan had been sick one day, so he texted Virgil in a panic with a list of what he needed from his locker (which ended up being the entire damn thing) and the combination. He looked at Logan’s schedule that was hung on the locker door and grabbed the books and notebooks for said classes as well as grabbing the lunch box from the top shelf. After retrieving all of Logan’s things to get him through the rest of the day, Virgil returned to his quest to find and retrieve the nerd.

Virgil walked through the entrance to the library and quickly scanned the room, looking for the auburn-headed nerd. The library was not very big, but Logan would always find a new place to hide, usually some corner where you would overlook him. Finally, Virgil’s eyes landed on a corner computer and saw the messy hair peeking out from above the desktop, “Found you,” he thought triumphantly. He walked quickly to where Logan was seated and made eye contact with the nerd while walking over. Logan rolled his eyes and whispered, “I assume you are here to drag me out of my work?” Virgil nodded, “I wouldn’t have to drag you out of your work if you remembered to take care of yourself.” Logan looked annoyed, he took out his phone to try and prove a point, “I’m not even late! Oh, wait Lunch started at noon, not 12:30. Shit. Fine, you win.” Virgil smirked, “Of course I win, I’m always right. Now come on save what you’re doing so you can eat before class.” Logan saved the document he was working on and reluctantly followed Virgil, “I need to grab my lunch and books first,” he stated as he tried to walk towards his locker. Virgil grabbed Logan by the arm before he could get too far, “Nuh-huh, I didn’t want to waste time going back that way, so I grabbed your lunch and books for the rest of the day,” he raised the contents in his arm as if to prove a point. Logan looked as though he wanted to protest but finally just gave up and let himself be dragged by his friend down the hallway, “V, where are we going? The cafeteria is the other way.” Virgil just looked back at Logan and laughed, “Well both of us brought our lunch so I thought we’d try something different.” The mischievous look in Virgil’s eyes made Logan feel uneasy but allowed himself to be pulled out of his comfort zone. Logan quickly figured out where Virgil was taking him, “V, we cannot go out there! That is the senior courtyard!!!” Virgil just shrugged in response and opened the door, the courtyard was nearly empty because the weather was starting to get a bit on the colder side, especially with the breeze.

The two boys plopped down on the grass over to the side, and both began eating their lunches. The silence wasn’t awkward or forced, neither one of them were that talkative. They were enjoying the sunshine on their skin, even if the breeze made the temperature feel about five degrees cooler. Virgil was watching a couple of birds in a birdbath when he felt the sensation that someone was staring, “Lo, I know I’m handsome but why are you staring,” he didn’t move his eyes from the birdbath when he spoke. Logan was blushing and now staring at his feet, “I was not staring, merely observing!” Virgil laughed and turned around to face Logan, “Are you blushing? Lo, being all flustered. No one would ever believe me!” Virgil’s words only increased the violent blush creeping onto Logan’s face, but he could tell Logan felt uncomfortable. He quickly changed his demeanor and stretched out a reassuring hand to place on Logan’s arm, “I was just joking, Lo. I didn’t mean to make you feel uncomfortable.” Logan shook his head, but remained looking at his feet, “You don’t get it.” Virgil moved himself closer to Logan, “if I don’t get it please explain it to me. I want to understand.” Logan looked up and was met with Virgil’s worried blue eyes, but Logan’s green eyes said something entirely different, he was scared no terrified. Virgil instantly recognized that look and decided to drop the topic for fear of scaring Logan away, “Hey Lo, have you started watching that anime I suggested.” Logan looked relieved at the topic change and sighed, “I…um…finished it.” Virgil almost fell over, “You did what now?! That anime was nearly 300 episodes! How did you finish it?” Logan laughed sometimes Virgil could be really dramatic, “Well you said it was one of your favorites, and I wanted to be able to carry out a conversation with you about something you loved so I just watched as many as I could. Then I got invested in the story and the characters and by then there was no stopping it.” Virgil still looked in awe, “Well did you like it?” Logan laughed, “V, I probably wouldn’t have finished in a month if I didn’t like it.” Virgil shook his head, “I’m still trying to wrap my head around the fact that you watched 300 episodes in a month.”

Logan was digging through his lunch box now when he pulled out some homemade hummus, Virgil looked at him, “Lo, is that the hummus your mom makes when I come over?” Logan nodded, “Yes, she quite enjoys having something around the house that is healthy and easy to make.” Virgil turned so that his entire body was facing Logan, then it happened Virgil pounced, “Give me your hummus!!” Logan was laughing, more like giggling, and Virgil had him pinned to the ground, “Had you asked nicely, V, maybe but since resorted to violence, I will not be indulging your need.” Virgil pouted, “Come on, Lo. I could steal it if I wanted to. I asked now!” Logan looked up at Virgil and winked, “If you think you can steal it then go for it.” It was on now Virgil leaned from where he was sitting on Logan’s stomach to reach for the hummus that was in his hand, but the weight shift was too sudden, and he lost his balance landing sprawled on top of Logan with an “oooof” from both parties. Logan laughed, “I told you that you couldn’t possibly steal it.”

This was quite the predicament Virgil was sprawled on top of Logan with their faces nearly touching, and both boys were laughing. Logan had started to get up but that just increased their proximity. Logan had looked away so as to set the hummus down next to him, then brought his face back and looked at Virgil who was still laying nearly on top of him. Logan took a breath and then leaned forward and kissed Virgil. This kiss was very sweet, quick, and innocent.

(End Dream)


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After the dream Virgil must cope

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: Crying, self-harm, apathy, hopelessness, swearing, numb, weight loss

Virgil woke up, he hated this. This stupid dream that his subconscious thought would be fun to torture him with. Why would his brain torture him with something that could never be? Not only was his real life a living hell, but now his dreams just had to poke fun at the idea of Virgil ever being happy. The problem with all of Virgil’s dreams is that they were always so vivid, that they could be real. This dream or some very close variation of it had been happening for about a month now.

The first time Virgil had that dream, he woke up in a state of sweet bliss. Then five or ten seconds later the reality hit him, that this dream of his would never happen. Logan and he were barely talking, and Logan had Garret. Once reality had set in Virgil had decided that today was too much and that he should try again tomorrow, so he had texted his mother to tell her that he was not feeling well and wanted to stay home. His mother did not object, she never really put up any fight against him on his views of school, if he didn’t want to go (whether he was sick or not was beside the point) she was not going to force him. That day he decided to stay home and just hide in his room, for the majority of the day, he knew this was a stupid response to a dream, but he couldn’t help it. After about the fifth time of having that dream or one similar he decided that he couldn’t just put his life on hold every time it happened, so he put on a “mask” and hoped no one asked him how he was.

Virgil groaned and rolled over, he grabbed his phone off the nightstand, it was 6:15, no real point in trying to go back to bed now. He still had another fifteen minutes to kill, before he actually had to be up. Virgil lazily removed the blankets from himself, instantly regretting that choice, his room was freezing. The cold was refreshing though, it reminded him that he was alive, even though he slightly wished he wasn’t. It gave him an idea since he did have the extra time he could get a quick shower.

The idea of taking a freezing shower, that would take his thoughts away from that dream and his life, breathed some new energy into his body. He quickly gathered his clothes for the day, black skinny jeans (that his mother hated, which only made him wear them more), a maroon long sleeve shirt that was one size too big for him when he bought it, but now was likely two sizes too big. As he got closer to the bathroom a sense of relief flooded over him, his problems would be gone soon, if only for a fleeting amount of time. This was something he had to do, what he needed more than probably anything else was to forget about that dream and his mess of a life. Some part of him knew that this wasn’t a good way to cope with these feelings, but he couldn’t very well talk to anyone. It is impossible to talk to friends when you haven’t got any.

Obviously, no one would want to be his friend now, he was damaged. Who would want to befriend someone that is already so broken and sad? The answer was no one, even before Virgil’s life went to shit, he wasn’t an interesting person. Logan probably only hung out with him out of pity. That’s the only thing that made sense, Logan hung out with him out of pity, and now that Garret came along, Logan no longer felt obligated. Virgil sighed, his life would be so much easier if his brain could be quiet for like two minutes and just give him a minute to breathe. He finally had everything he needed, for his fifteen minutes of quiet.

He quickly undressed and turned on the water to the exact spot it was last night and entered the shower. Except this time, it wasn’t freezing, the water barely passed for cold. Virgil fiddled with the knob but no matter which way he turned it, the water did not get colder. This is exactly what Virgil needed, he had just found something that could make his pain go away, and he couldn’t even do it again. Just the universe kicking him repeatedly in the ribs, to show him that he is not in charge of his life, he’s merely a pawn. He spent a couple of minutes still messing with the knob but eventually accepted defeat. He leaned against the wall of the shower and slid down, he didn’t have the energy to deal with anything going wrong today, he was at his limit before it was even 7 o’clock. 

Now he found himself sitting on the floor of the shower, the only thing he could manage to do was cry. He felt like a small child throwing a temper tantrum over things not going his way, but nothing had gone Virgil’s way for most of his life. These past couple of months were just a never-ending stream of things refusing to go Virgil’s way. It was as if someone or something saw Virgil’s life and was like, “You see that boy? He isn’t nearly miserable enough. I wonder if I could make this worse,” then placed bets on how many different ways they could cause Virgil pain.

Through his quiet crying, he could hear a voice, he sniffled to try and stop the crying or at least silence it so he could hear what was happening. Virgil’s mother was yelling from upstairs, “Hurry up, Virgil. I need to take a shower too, so don’t use all the hot water!” Virgil rolled his eyes, his mother was so oblivious to what was happening and made no real effort to help him, but if she did he’d probably push her away. It’s not like she could help. She’d probably just tell him to toughen up, life sucks sometimes but there is no reason to cry about it. Virgil sometimes felt like she resented him, he was an emotional child, he tried to hide it but sometimes he couldn’t. Whereas, his mother was a very unemotional person, not to say that she doesn’t have emotions but rather she refuses to express her emotions.

Don’t get him wrong, he loved his mother, but there were times in which he believed his mother resented him. Her passive-aggressive comments about his weight, lack of friends, how emotional he could be, and how it seemed he could never be good enough, were all things he could do without. Virgil went through his life trying to live up to his mother expectations that were so high, they couldn’t even be defined and therefore, he failed miserably in comparison.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: self-harm (Freezing water and cutting), intrusive thoughts, panic attack, trouble breathing, uselessness, hopelessness, suicide, thinking of death, minimal blood, anxiety, crying, failure, body image

It had been two weeks since the first post-it note. Every day it would be something new but always written on the electric blue paper. So far Virgil’s favorites were “PUPPIES,” “BOYS,” the day after boys he got one that said, “GIRLS,” then the following day he got, “Or whoever you’re attracted to or no one at all!” These notes while very cute and silly, helped a lot. Virgil had started a collection of notes on the inside of his closet door and anytime he felt like self-harming he would look at the notes. Sometimes this worked and other times on particularly bad days, it didn’t work, and he would slam the door closed. At least with the door closed, he wouldn’t feel like such a failure. Virgil knew that whoever was writing him these notes would be disappointed anytime he relapsed so anytime he did, the closet door would have to be closed, “out of sight out of mind,” right?

There was one particularly bad day, nothing really stood out to make it worse, but it was probably the worse he has ever gotten. Virgil had started to count on those post-it notes, they were his lifeline, obviously, he knew that was stupid and that he couldn’t count on them forever, but it was all he had for now. Then one day a note didn’t show up, he figured the writer, had finally given up on their project and decided that Virgil was a lost cause. He would have to agree with that, if he was holding onto sticky notes from stranger to get him through life then maybe he was a lost cause.

That day when he got back home after not receiving a note, no amount of looking at the wall of sticky notes, was curbing his urge. He finally gave in and went to go take a shower. He had told his mom that the cold water was being fickle after the first time he was unable to get the temperature he wanted, she had called a plumber and they took care of it. While the freezing cold water worked in his shower, today it did nothing for him in helping to quiet his mind, no amount of time under the water that pricked him like needles was helping. Once he figured out that his usual tactic would not work, he stepped out only after about 30 minutes under the freezing water.

Usually, the freezing water turning off his brain would give him energy, but this shower seemed to do the opposite. Upon exiting the shower Virgil was completely drained, he opted for sitting on the floor in his towel, much to his intrusive thought’s delight there were nail clippers within an arm’s reach. Virgil grabbed the nail clippers, his heart rate steadily increasing, his breathing becoming more ragged, his hands shaking, every part of his mind and body giving him signs that he should stop but his intrusive thoughts were “louder.” Without even thinking about it he moved his fingers so that the metal nail file connected to the nail clippers was exposed, his mind was beyond reason. Auto-piolet had kicked in, it felt like someone else was in charge of his movements, as he moved the towel up to expose his thigh.

All the words that Virgil could think of that made sense to carve into his porcelain skin were too long, “useless.” “worthless,” and “hopeless,” all of these words while very fitting were compromised of too many letters. Virgil also knew his pain tolerance was very low, so maybe just one letter for each time he failed. The tip of the nail file was dull, which meant he would have to apply more pressure, but if this would stop his thoughts and dull his pain for even just a moment, then it was worth it.

Slowly, his hands shaking from adrenaline or maybe anxiety, but eventually, the dull tip made contact with his pale thigh. The tears fell silently from his face whether it was from fear or possibly regret, even Virgil couldn’t tell. His breathing hitched at the exposure to the cold point of the metal. He hesitated for a second as the tip of the file made contact with his skin, but without overthinking his action he forcefully pushed down and began to carve a “u,” once he finished that letter he could barely breathe. The breathes were coming in rapid and short, not quite filling his lungs, or giving his brain enough oxygen.

The carving didn’t draw much blood, it hurt and would likely scar but luckily for Virgil the blood was minimal, or at least a lot less than he thought. Somehow the intrusive thoughts that had urged Virgil to this display, had forgotten the fact that the sight of blood, made him dizzy. His shortness of breath combined with the minimal amount of blood, caused black spots to form at the edges of his vision. Virgil dropped the nail clippers and placed both hands palm down on the cold tile floor hoping that it would ground him and bring him back to reality.

He knew that he should place his head between his knees, but he could not bring himself to be in that close of proximity to his failure. Failure was a good way to describe this new mark. He had failed the person who gave him notes because obviously, they were under the misguided impression that Virgil was somehow worth the space he took up. He failed his mother, by not living up to her expectations and if she ever knew, she would likely be more disappointed than worried. He was her only child, and he was meant to be this perfect child but no he was just a fuck up. Virgil guessed he had also failed himself in a way. He was supposed to be taking care of these feelings he had but no he couldn’t deal with them, so he found ways to escape just like the coward he was.

Those sticky notes in his closet seemed to mock him as if to say “haha, knew you couldn’t do it.” What was the point in having reasons to live when he would disregard them in search of relief from his? From his place on the floor, Virgil silently cursed the sticky notes, it was their fault, he was like this! The notes had such high expectations, they were suffocating him. Those damned notes were asking too much of him, they wanted him to stay alive! He wasn’t even sure he wanted to die! All he wanted was for his life to go back to normal. He wanted his best friend and confidant back, the loneliness was starting to get to him. While Virgil knew there was no good reason to self-harm he knew damn well that a lack of a person in his life was not a good enough reason. Virgil couldn’t help it though, he needed this escape, probably more than anyone would ever understand.

The series of events and emotions masked the pain and the hell that his life had been, even the panic that he felt now was a much-needed break from the thoughts. Through the panic was a nagging voice that urged Virgil to take care of his new failure. While he wanted to be numb and stop thinking, he didn’t see any reason that it should have to get infected.

He had to be rational, he had to take care of himself. He could not give in to the part of him that said to give up. He may have made some bad choices but he wasn’t ready to die, not yet! Although the part of him that said, “give up,” was much louder than the part of him that said, “continue on.” Even though everything sucked right now and his life had pretty much always sucked, he wanted to live, right?


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: swearing, shaking, reference to self-harm, vomiting, illness, hospital mention (very brief), blood mention, food mention, eating mention, panic attack, harassment, toxic relationship, injury (It is not as dark as these triggers make it seem, but be safe and listen to them! If I missed anything please let me know!)
> 
> So the last chapter and this chapter I found very difficult to write. Possibly because some of this has some truth to my life. I also know that it can be tough to read just a full-on ANGST fest so I decided to add little bit more fluff. I know most of you aren’t fond of Logan currently but I want to give him a little more characterization. This chapter was going to have a different end but I opted for fluff and split that other part into the next chapter. 
> 
> I am also not thrilled with the format but I do love this chapter. Possibly my favorite chapter

A couple of minutes after focusing on his breathing and the intense cool feeling on his palms, Virgil had finally brought himself back to reality, at least enough to take care of his failure. Slowly he crawled to the vanity and opened the bottom drawer, while all the events that had transpired before had taken almost all of his energy, he was coherent enough to look for a first aid kit. Toward the back of the drawer, he found what he wanted: rubbing alcohol, antibiotic cream, and a band-aid. 

His hands shook less as time went on but there was still a slight tremor; it would not interfere with his first aid. He leaned against the vanity with the ingredients he needed to take care of the cut. The rubbing alcohol would burn like a bitch but, it had to be done. Virgil turned his body so that he could reach the toilet paper, he needed to put the rubbing alcohol on some sort of cloth in order to properly disinfect. He poured the rubbing alcohol onto the toilet paper, he released a breath he didn’t realize he was holding and gently pushed up the towel to expose the new mark. On the count of three, Virgil thought, one, two, three; he placed the rubbing alcohol on the cut, “Fuck,” he hissed. He knew it was going to hurt but damn, but he was not prepared for the burning.

Slowly he moved the toilet paper away and grabbed the Neosporin along with the rather large band-aid. Virgil opted to apply the Neosporin to the band-aid rather than on the cut itself. He took in a deep breath and finished the basic first aid. 

Just because he made s stupid choice, doesn’t mean he wanted it to get infected. His mother was already going to be angry if she ever found out, let alone if it actually required going to the hospital. His mother’s belief on the hospital was only if he was literally dying and even then, it was questionable. She hated that if you went to the hospital it was likely that you would be waiting for hours, and she could be in bed watching TV.

One time when he was much younger, his immune system had failed him and he managed to catch bronchitis, on top of his asthma. Basically, his body was in a constant state of, “Breathing is very important….How exactly does one do that again?” Eventually, it got to the point where he was coughing until he would throw up, and then not be able to breathe because he was coughing or throwing up. That was the closest his mother ever came to bringing him to the hospital. Well, actually she asked, “Do you really think you need to go to the hospital and wait hours before getting seen by a doctor?” Virgil while still struggling to breathe and his head hanging over the toilet had definitely thought about just demanding that she take him to the hospital but instead he replied with, “I mean maybe it would be a good idea. But I could probably wait until tomorrow to go the doctor instead.” His mother just fondly looked at Virgil then and said, “That’s my boy,” then walked away. 

So, yeah, a trip to the hospital would be out of the question. He would make sure to take care of his self-inflicted injury while hiding it from the rest of the world, but for now, he needed to get off the floor. He was exhausted, after the shower and the whole ordeal afterward, he was physically and emotionally drained. 

Time had pretty much stopped existing for the duration of his time in the bathroom. It could have been thirty minutes or two hours. His watch was placed on top of the toilet since he couldn’t wear it in the shower. He hadn’t bothered to look at it once he got out of the shower though, immediately spiraling instead. 

He used the sink to help hoist himself to his feet. He was feeling quite weak considering the amount of blood loss had been minimal. Once on his feet, he was about to get dressed and leave the bathroom when the reflection in the mirror caught his eyes. The person in the mirror barely looked like him, he looked hollow, like a shell. He’d always been pale but had he always been this pale? 

Virgil couldn’t remember the last time he took care of himself properly, or the last time he thought he was worth the effort. Virgil’s mom didn’t like to cook, she absolutely loathed it. If he was hungry then he had to cook, but most of the time he was so tired after school that he usually just went to his room to work on homework.

When he and Logan had still been friends he had gone over to their house almost every night. Logan’s mom had absolutely no complaints about feeding Virgil, at least this way she knew the boy was eating. Logan may have told his mother in passing that, Virgil’s mother hated cooking and often ate random things around the house for “dinner.” Once learning this Logan’s mother made it her mission to see that he was well fed while at their house. 

He hadn’t been there in months, though. Although that wasn’t an accurate count of how long it had been since he ate. He made sure to eat breakfast even if it was just a small bowl of cereal or a piece of peanut butter toast. Lunch was a totally different story, he always brought his lunch. It was never anything extravagant, usually a sandwich, chips, and a fruit or vegetable. Enough to get Virgil through the rest of the day but not too much so that he felt guilty, or for his mother to make a comment. 

Virgil shook his head, to clear his thoughts, that were running at 100 mph. Which considering how exhausted he was, his thoughts running faster than he had the energy to keep up only caused a headache; he gripped the sink to help keep him steady. So, maybe he had eaten to keep up appearances, but the last time he had a real meal, something not fully prepared in the microwave. It had to have been months, the last time he went over to Logan’s house to be exact. 

Virgil took one last long look in the mirror, at this thing he had become. How had he let himself become such a disappointment? He couldn’t even take care of himself in the sense to make sure that he was fed. If he couldn’t fulfill his most basic needs then was he ever truly living? Sure, he was alive, but isolating himself, inflicting harm on himself, and avoiding all his problems was barely living. 

He exited the bathroom, turning off the light as he left. It was late, as much as he dreaded going to sleep, it was either go sleep in his bed or pass out from exhaustion in the bathroom; at least his bed was more comfortable. So, he shuffled over to his bed and flopped face first. While Virgil was exhausted beyond measure, he couldn’t help but let his mind wander to a memory.

(Virgil’s Memory)

August had come and gone with a flurry of new assignments and new people. Virgil nor Logan had really had time to hang out with one another due to high school kicking their ass and Logan’s boyfriend. They both know that spending time with one another is beneficial; Logan has pointed out to Virgil that there are studies stating the comradery between two people can lower blood pressure, increase happiness, and decrease intrusive thoughts. 

Virgil had just rolled his eyes at the nerd when he brought up evidence stating that hanging out with a friend is good for your health. Virgil had said something to the effect of, “You don’t have to use scientific studies to tell me you enjoy hanging out with me, you nerd!” Logan had blushed and retorted. “Well I suppose I do not necessarily mind your company, but I do have a reputation to uphold.” Virgil was having a good day and his filter wasn’t quite working so as he walked away, he called to Logan, “Lo, if you ever pull yourself away from that boyfriend of yours then maybe we could hang out.” 

Virgil was glad he was facing the opposite way because once the words left his mouth he thought he was going to vomit. His brain hissed at him, “Look how needy you seem, He’ll never want to hang with now. You insulted his boyfriend. Why would he ever want to speak to again?” Virgil could feel his breathing and heart rate increasing at an alarming rate. He could not be having a panic attack. Not here, not in public. He had to get somewhere quiet, he had to deal with this now or it would surely only get worse. 

The hallway was too loud, there were too many people not that Virgil could really hear any of them over his blood rushing in his ears. He was too hot; when had he started shaking? Why couldn’t he stop? Between his heart racing and the rushing in his ears, every sound seemed like it was underwater; which somehow comforting but also anxiety-inducing. He quickly made his way to the bathroom and locked himself in one of the stalls. He didn’t have what he needed to ground himself. 

But he would have to figure it out, this wasn’t the right place for this. He slumped against the wall of the stall, placing his open palms on the metal of the stall hoping that the slight chill to the touch would help ground him. If he were at home he would use his thinking putty, there was something about rolling it in his hands and feeling it “melt” to his warmth that gave the illusion that everything would be okay. For now, the cold touch seemed to help. It did not completely get rid of his anxiety but he could at least tap his fingers in tandem with his breathing. Counting and taping while breathing had always been something he did to try and lessen his anxiety and most of the time it worked. 

(Logan’s Memory)

If Virgil had looked back, maybe his anxiety would’ve lessened. Logan didn’t look angry he looked confused. Logan knew that he and Virgil hadn’t hung out in a while, but had it really been Garrets fault? He decided to do some research later.

Once Logan was home he decided to look into this absurd theory that Garret was somehow keeping Logan away from Virgil. He opened his text conversation with Virgil and was shocked when he saw that the last ten or so times he and Virgil had exchanged messages were him canceling because of Garret. But he was in love, this how it was supposed to be right? He was supposed to put Garret before anyone else, even if he felt guilty. That’s how love worked, right? 

Logan shook his head, in an attempt to clear it. Virgil had no right to call him out like that. He must be jealous, that is the only logical reason for his outburst. Even though he had rationalized, that it wasn’t his fault; Logan still couldn’t crush the feeling in his gut, guilt. He knew he had done nothing wrong, but there was one way that would at least help quell the guilt; he could text Virgil and invited him over. 

Logan: Hey, Virgil do you want to come over to my house and spend time together?

Virgil: You sure, you want to hang out with me

Logan: Yes, I am sure that I would enjoy your company. 

Virgil: Alrighty nerd. Ill be there in ten minutes. Fifteen at most

Logan put away his phone and went downstairs to alert his mother that Virgil would be coming over. Once at the bottom of the stairs, Logan made his way to kitchen where he heard his mother cooking and leaned against the doorframe, “Hey mom, Virgil is coming over in a few minutes.” His mother looked shocked, “Not Garret? What a nice change of pace. I’m glad Virgil is coming over, I’ve missed him.” Logan was starting to walk away but barely audible said, “Me too, mom.” 

(Virgil’s Memory)

A few minutes later and the front door opened and Virgil walked in, he immediately went into the kitchen, “Hey, Mrs. Anderson! The door was unlocked, I hope you don’t mind.” Logan’s mother spun around to see Virgil sitting on the counter, “Of course I don’t mind, V! We’ve missed seeing you around the house. I see you’ve taken up your perch again,” Mrs. Anderson laughed. Virgil blushed a little but made no attempt to move as Logan appeared from the other side of the kitchen, “I thought I heard another voice. Salutations, Virgil.” 

Virgil hopped down from his “perch” and walked over to Logan, “So, what do ya wanna do, nerd?” Logan groaned at Virgil’s lack of proper word usage, “Well I was thinking we could watch some movies. We haven’t had a movie night in a while.” Virgil shrugged in response but followed Logan to the den.

He flopped on the couch in his usual position, legs hung over the arm of the couch and laying on his back. Logan turned from where he was perusing the movies to scoff at Virgil’s “sitting” position, trying to pick one he knew both of them would appreciate. Finally, he decided on “Monty Python and the Holy Grail.” Both Logan and Virgil shared an appreciation for the odd humor that British films usually involved. 

Logan popped in the DVD and took his usual spot which was sitting cross-legged in the middle of the couch, Virgil’s head mere inches from Logan’s thigh. Virgil tilted his head so as to look up at Logan, “Lo, I don’t know how you sit like that.” Logan rolled his eyes and paused the movie, talking during a movie was one of his greatest pet-peeve but Virgil did it anyways, simply because it annoyed his friend. Logan cleared his throat, “Well I can’t imagine how your laying position is more optimal than my own.” Virgil just looked at the nerd, then darted his eyes away, “Lo, I’ve missed this.” Logan could hear the pain in his voice and knew how much courage it took for Virgil to speak his mind, “I have too.” Nothing else had to be said neither of them wanted to talk about their feelings and how much they truly missed the other; Logan opted for starting the movie again signifying that the conversation was over. 

The rest of the night was relatively quiet, they finished the movie and ate homemade pizza. Virgil knew it must be getting late since the light from the street lights could be seen from the window inside the den. They had an unspoken rule to keep off their phones while hanging out so that the other person could have their full attention and they tried their hardest to stick to it; there was no way to keep track of time.

Virgil grabbed Logan’s left hand to check his watch, “It’s already 9:30, I should probably get home. Can your mom take me? If not, I could walk home.” Mrs. Anderson appeared at that very moment, the boys could swear she had super hearing. From her place in the doorway, she said, “Virgil you will absolutely not be walking home in the dark. I will take you. Logan do you want to stay or come in the car.” Logan pondered that for a moment and then lied, “I have some homework I want to catch up on.” Mrs. Anderson nodded, “Alright Virgil, let’s head out.” Virgil got up from his perch on the couch and started for the door, “Lo, let’s not wait so long to do this again, okay?” Logan sighed, he knew he wanted this more often but his boyfriend came first, so he lied to make Virgil feel better, “Of course. I’ll see you tomorrow at school.” With those words exchanged Virgil headed out the front door with Mrs. Anderson.

(Logan’s Memory)

Once Virgil had left, Logan made his way up to his room to check his phone. He knew lying was illogical and he hated doing it but he needed to go check his phone. Logan made his way up the stairs and entered his bedroom and closed the door behind him. His phone was sat on his bed exactly where he left it, he strode over the bed and picked. He nearly dropped it back to its resting spot when he looked at all the notifications, it was overwhelming. 

3 missed calls from Garret

2 missed Facetimes from Garret

23 texts from Garret

3 facebook messages from Garret 

Logan couldn’t bring himself to read the rest of the notifications; what could possibly be so important that Garret need to contact him in so many different formats and constantly. Sometimes the brain jumped to illogical conclusions; this time being that Garret was in trouble or something terrible had happened.

Logan found himself overwhelmed, but he had to call Garret, anything else just wouldn’t get the immediate response. Logan shakily unlocked his phone and brought up Garret’s contact and pressed call. The phone only rang once before Logan heard the voice of his boyfriend. 

Garret’s voice didn’t miss a beat, “Where the fuck were you,” he yelled. Logan cringed this is a side of his boyfriend he’d never seen, “I—I—was.” His sentence was cut off, “You know what it doesn’t matter where you were. You need to check your phone,” he growled.” Logan was holding back tears, he always hated being yelled at but, hearing it from someone he loved was a whole new experience, “’m,,,’m..sorry.” Garret took a deep breath, “I know you are kitten.” Logan wanted to hand up, every ounce in his body was telling him to but he couldn’t then Garret added, “You’ll just have to make it up to me sometime.” There was something about the tone of his voice that made Logan’s skin crawl. He took in a shaky breath, “Garret, I have to go to sleep now. Good night.” Garret told Logan good night and they hung up.

Logan changed into his pjs and got into bed. Once in bed, he curled in on himself. He thought that this had to be just how love is. He was in love, no doubt. He would do anything for Garret, give him the world if he asked. Any feelings or thoughts of Logan’s must be put on the back burner. Logan was not near as important as Garret. This is just how love is, the only thing that mattered was Garret’s happiness. This is how love is, right?


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: Food mention, grades, tests, high standards, eating, anxiety, cursing, erratic breathing, eating mention, lack of sleep, intrusive thoughts, crying, blurry vision, unworthy, not wanting to live (If I missed any warnings. Please let me know.)

_(Takes Place the Next Day)_

Virgil’s eyes open slowly, he blinks a couple more times. Is he actually awake? He slowly rolls over, there is no way he is awake, he feels, he feels happy. Well, happy isn’t exactly the right word, he felt calm. Finally, he had one night without the damned dream, maybe that is was why he felt content. Yes, content was a good word; he didn’t feel numb or like the world was crashing down on his shoulders.

It was still dark, but Virgil knew that didn’t mean a thing; it was after daylight savings so it was frequently dark first thing in the morning. He lazily reached over to his bedside table, to retrieve his phone and check the time. He groaned once his phone lit up, it was 6:20. Just because he felt  _okay_ today, didn’t mean he really wanted to go to school.

His saving grace, for now, was that today was a relatively light class load. They had taken a lot of tests recently and today was the day the tests would be handed back. Usually, all his teachers would take the majority of the class period to go over the test; the students knew that and would use it to their advantage, to ask as many questions as possible. Virgil had to admit that he found the never-ending stream of stupid questions annoying, but it was better than taking notes.

Virgil had worked really hard on trying to do well on all three of exams; three exams in one week was overwhelming. Scratch that life, in general, was overwhelming, the good thing about Virgil was that he was able to immerse himself in his school work, it was an escape of sorts, from his hell.

Studying required his full attention; not that there were very many distractions in his life. While he was studying he was able to forget about everything, it wasn’t easy but it was a better coping mechanism than some of the others he had recently employed.

Thus far into the semester, he had received nothing less than a 90% on any test, no matter how hard he had to push. Sure, originally, he had been pushing himself because he wanted recognition from his mother; but since Logan and he were not speaking, he felt he should try and outdo him. Virgil knew it was petty to try and get better grades than Logan or to wish he didn’t do well, but that was unimportant. He had learned the hard way that sometimes the best motivation is to prove others wrong or do things out of spite, you always had a motivator.

For each individual subject, he had devoted about six hours; his sleep schedule was a mess due to this but it wasn’t like he slept that well anyway. He was confident that he had prepared enough for each test before he took them but there was always that doubt that made him think he failed. After each test already knew some of his grades due to the fact that he would mark the questions he guessed on. Once he had the time he would look at his notes, thank God or whatever for his great memory; then he would search for the answers or questions he guessed on, which would give him an estimate of his test score.

He knew that his expectations to scores A’s on all his exams for the semester was impractical but that didn’t stop him from wanting it. He had made it this far without; Virgil was determined and he could be very stubborn. So, if wrecking his non-existent sleeping schedule, skipping meals, and basically becoming a recluse is what it took, then for the week before and the week of the test; then so be it, that is what he would do.

A low growl elicited from his stomach was what finally got him moving; it seemed for the first time in weeks he had an appetite.  _Maybe today, wouldn’t be so bad,_  Virgil thought. He had fallen into the never-ending cycle of his anxiety making nausea, which caused food to seem unappetizing; but also eating food because if he didn’t he would pass out. So, he usually forced something down, but today it seemed he would be able to eat without forcing it.

He got out of bed and decided to take advantage of the good feeling, for fear it might be a while before he would get another. Virgil hated showering in general but especially in the morning, so today he decided he could skip it. Usually showering in the morning was just usually used as an escape, but today was different. Taking advantage of this good mood combined with a little extra time meant he could do his makeup, which he hadn’t had the energy to do in a long time.

He walked to his bathroom and opened the second drawer to get out his makeup bag. Once he had the makeup laid out on the sink he was incredibly excited, it was nice that he would get to be his truest self. Without the energy in the previous weeks, the inspiration for makeup wasn’t there. Today was going to be different. He gently washed his face from the morning grime, to clear his canvas.

He couldn’t help the small smile that crept onto his face, this was something he was fantastic at and no one could ruin it. He started with the foundation, fully covering up the bags that had grown over the semester. Next Virgil grabbed the eyeliner pencil, he much preferred pencil over liquid, call him old fashioned, but he could work wonders with it; starting with his top lid and a slight wing, then moving to the bottom. Once the eyeliner was on, he moved on to the eyeshadow. He had perfected mixing two colors together to get the perfect smoky shade, to bring out his misty gray eyes. He mixed the light gray and purple colors to create the perfect shade and applied it to his eyelid. Virgil decided to stop there for makeup, the look for the day was understated; nothing too over the top, maybe next time.

Once finished he inspected his look in the mirror, it was comforting to know that while he was out of practice he hadn’t lost the skill. He groaned looking at his new project, his hair. Virgil hated his hair and wanted nothing more than to dye it an “unnatural” color but unfortunately, the school had a strict policy on hair color. Most people by the time they were Virgil’s age had grown out of their platinum blonde hair, usually, it darkened with age; it seemed he was destined to be stuck with it until he graduated.

Virgil was already pushing his luck by bending other rules concerning hair; it wasn’t supposed to cover your ears or touch the top of your shirt. He quite enjoyed seeing how far he could bend that rule; his hair was straight and unruly by nature, so he usually let it do whatever it wanted.  Today that meant that he ran his hand through it and let it fall wherever.

He grabbed his phone from the back of the toilet, having brought it in to listen to some music while getting ready.  _Shit, it’s already 6:45, he thought._  He scrambled out of the bathroom grabbing a jacket and his backpack on the way out.

Virgil made it to the kitchen and decided that two pieces of toast and some peanut butter should ease the hunger. Once the toast was finished, he put it on a paper towel and began to head out the door so he wouldn’t miss the bus. Today he felt confident, strong, and not like the world was ending.

It was second to last period, Virgil had almost made it, soon he could go home. The day had been pretty, calm. He was still happy, the first two exams he received, he had received the other two tests and was pleasantly surprised to see he received a 96% on both tests. The slight anxiety from those two tests getting handed back had subsided, just one more.

Virgil fucking hated chemistry! His teacher was a nice person, but they had been doing the same two things since the beginning of the school year: moles and significant figures. Usually, this would mean that he would fully understand the material but his teacher over-complicated everything. These two things were supposed to be the foundation! If he couldn’t get those then how would he survive next semester.

The teacher was handing back the tests, of course, it had to be in alphabetical order so he was last, Virgil Zwick. They called his name and he rose from his seat, the anxiety was building as he made his way to the front of the classroom to retrieve his test. Test in hand and walking back to his seat he flipped it over and the color drained from his face; he got an 84%. Virgil swayed but caught himself, spun around quickly to face his teacher and said, “May I go to the bathroom?” Thankfully they agreed before Virgil could hear anything else he immediately ran out of the room and made his way to the bathroom.

The panic had begun the minute he flipped the test over, starting with the erratic breathing followed shortly after by fuzziness around the edges. While some logical part of his brain knew that an 84 was not a bad grade by any means nor was it the end of the world. To Virgil that grade meant he had failed, he was letting down his parents, his teacher, and himself. Pointing every instance where he could have stayed up later, not been on his phone, or focused better. He failed because he wasn’t trying hard enough. He failed because he was incompetent. Most importantly he failed because there was not one damn thing he could do correctly.

Once in the bathroom, Virgil locked himself in the nearest stall. He was at school all of his coping mechanisms required him to be home; he had to improvise. He couldn’t fail at this too. He leaned against the cold metal of the stall hoping that having something immobile to place his hands on would help him control his breathing.

He hadn’t noticed he was crying until breathing became even more difficult between the deep intakes of breath to hold back sobs. He didn’t want anyone to notice, thank god, the bathroom was empty right now.  _Fuck, of course, today was the day I decided to wear makeup, he thought._ Then he heard the door open,  _Jesus Christ why me,_ he held his breath trying to hide the sobs. It works until he gasps to intake more air and another sob escapes.

The voice on the other side of the door spoke, “What’s the matter kiddo?” Virgil rolled his eyes, no teenager speaks like this, hell people don’t speak like this. Virgil took a breath to try and steady his voice, “’M fine, sorry to bother you.” The voice speaks again, “Clearly you aren’t fine. I’m here if you need anything.” Virgil hoped that the person would leave, but he heard the thud that could only mean the other person sat on the floor.

Obviously, there was no way out. Virgil was going to have to face the other student, he tried to steady himself and prepare to be ridiculed. All he wanted right now was for the world to swallow him whole, but that seemed unlikely at this point so he took one deep breath trying to fully fill his lungs and unlocked the door. The boy in front of him looked friendly enough, he was tall with light brown hair and comforting brown eyes.

Virgil then realized that this person looked familiar, he was someone from his chemistry class.  _Shit, he’s going to tell the whole class, he thought._ Virgil looked up at his classmate and gave his signature two-finger salute. Then went back to staring at the floor and hoping that his bangs covered his face. Maybe this student wouldn’t recognize him; Virgil was pretty forgettable.

The boy in front of him gasped, which caused Virgil to jump and look up at him, “You’re the one I’ve been sending notes to!!” The student was practically vibrating with excitement. Virgil wanted to deny the notes but he knew that there was no point, the only people who knew about the notes were him and the person sending them.

After a moment of silence, Virgil speaks, eyes still focused on the floor, “I guess if you say so.” Patton looks at Virgil wishing for him to meet his gaze and said, “Well, of course, kiddo. I’m doing what anyone should when they see someone struggling.” Virgil flinched, so his struggles had been obvious, damn he tried so hard to conceal it. It hurt that this stranger cared more about him than anyone else in his life, it angered him. Virgil looked up at his classmate, “Why the fuck do you care? You don’t even know me! I’m not worth it.” He returned his gaze to the floor, not wanting to see the damage he had caused.

Patton jumped slightly, the words he said hurt and this kid’s grey eyes were blazing with fury. His eyes were beautiful but he never knew someone was capable of that much anger in one look. Patton gently raised his hand to try and reach out to Virgil’s face trying to get him to meet his face but pulled his hand back not wanting to overstep his boundaries.

Virgil noticed the other student’s hand jerking back and shifted his eyes from the floor to look up at the older student through his bangs. He was surprised that instead of a look of shock or disdain, the boy had a small gentle smile. After a second the other student spoke, “I know I don’t know you, but I can’t fathom anything so horrible that makes you feel unworthy of living.” Virgil chuckled, “Buddy you don’t know my life then.”

Patton let those words sink in. He’d never thought that someone could feel so hopeless, especially someone so young. How does someone who has so much life left to live, feel that he’s unworthy of all the adventures ahead of him? Patton cleared his throat and gently said, “Did the notes help at all?” Virgil sighed, looked at the floor and shrugged, “They did for a while. Some days are worse than others.”

Patton shifted to grab the pad of the electric blue post-it notes from his back pocket. He pulled it out along with a pencil and wrote down his number and his name Patton Jacobs. He handed the post-it note to the younger student, “Well, if you ever need anything feel free to call or text me.” With a smile, he left the bathroom. Virgil took the post-it note; his name was Patton Jacobs. He took one look at the post-it note then crumpled it into a ball and threw it away.

There is no reason he should drag someone else into his shit; Patton was probably just being nice. Virgil could take care of himself, he always had. Not because he was strong, he had never thought of himself as strong, he was a coward. He had to take care of himself because no one else was going to, no one else cared enough to. What he was doing to himself was not what someone who was strong would do; it was what a coward would do.

He walked over to the sink and put some cold water on his forehead. The cool water seemed to help with the shaking a little, but his breathing was still erratic and his heart was racing. He forced himself to take some deep breaths to fill up his lungs; these breaths were painful but necessary.

After a few more moments his breathing is a bit more under control, maybe enough to go back to class. Virgil pulled out his phone and checked the time, shit his next class had started already. He took another, breath, his pulse was still much faster than average but nothing he wasn’t used to. He put some water on a paper towel and wiped his face and the back of his neck.

Then his phone vibrated.

 **Logan:** Why aren’t you in English?

 **Virgil:** Why do you care?

Virgil turned off his phone, he would regret that comment later but right now he turned off his phone. English class wasn’t important at this point, now all he wanted to do was to go home. He left the bathroom and made his way to his locker. He grabbed his backpack, not caring that his chemistry book was still in the classroom. He put everything he needed in his backpack and headed for the door. This was going to cause trouble for him later but right now, he needed out.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things come to a resolution

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: mentions of past self-harm, toxic relationship, guilt, cursing, abandonment, implied emotional abuse, self harm scars, insecurity, argument, implied abuse, mention of physical abuse, panic, panic attack, death mentions (dark humor form) (If I missed any warnings. Please let me know.)
> 
> There will be a sequel, that has the Analogical romantic pairing. You will also see Roman and Patton. Patton will be more the focus. That story….might get much darker than I care to think about so I am thinking of just posting them on AO3 and then updating a master post on here. 
> 
> Thank you again for all your support and patience, this last chapter sucked. The only reason I got through it is from a wonderful support system.

(January after winter break)

Winter break had been relatively boring. Virgil had deleted most of his social media months ago not being able to handle all the photos that Garret and Logan would post. The photos were cute at first but after a while they made him sick. Pining over a guy who was uninterested was pathetic enough, pining over a guy who was happily in another relationship was just down right sad.

* * *

Logan had started by texting Virgil, but when he got no response he switched to other apps. Everything else he had tried remained on unread or unopened.  He needed to try and fix what he had done. No, he needed to fix what Garret told him to do. Logan still had three more years of high school, without having a friend those three years could be hell. He knew that Virgil shouldn’t forgive him, that it logically made no sense; Logan had treated Virgil like shit. Logan had to at least try though, at least if he put forth effort then Virgil could come around at his own pace. That in all honesty might be Logan’s best bet in trying to salvage this friendship but the effort needed to be put forth.

Truly Logan missed Virgil and everything about their dynamic but now he was alone. Was this how Virgil had felt when Logan…no Garret forced him to cut ties? Logan hated the thought that he had caused Virgil to feel any part how he felt. Although he had to admit Virgil probably had it worse since he still was technically the “new kid.”

Fuck had he really abandoned his best friend for his _boyfriend_? When had he allowed himself to get that shallow? His mother had warned him a couple of times to avoid isolating himself for a new relationship. What his mother did not understand was that it wasn’t up to him; if it was actually Logan’s choice he would’ve kept  **both**.

* * *

Logan reaching out to Virgil was the main reason he decided to delete most of his social media. As far as Virgil could tell it seemed Logan wanted to reconcile. He knew it was petty to just ignore him, but he was tired. The fact that it took this long for Logan to figure out what he was doing was wrong made Virgil feel uneasy and like he was unnecessary. If Logan wanted to try and rekindle their friendship he should’ve done it months ago not now.

The pros of deleting most of his social media on top of not having to see Logan attempt to cover up  _another_  hickey was that he didn’t feel the tug to try and interact with Logan.  

Virgil was weak he knew that, but he didn’t realize that the urge to message or snapchat his former best friend would be so difficult to resist. Deleting all of his social media or at least the apps, aside from Tumblr was the best idea he ever had.

Tumblr was the only place Virgil felt truly at home, he had friends there that would listen to his rants about real life and try to make him feel better. These people were his family, they understood the most intimate parts of Virgil’s life and he was met without judgement, only concern and love. He would move heaven and earth to make them happy and give them exactly what they deserved.

* * *

It was the first day back after break and Virgil was dreading this semester’s schedule. He had somehow managed to get out of the yearlong physical education class but this semester, in order to make up for the switch, he would have P.E. twice a week.

Whose big idea was it to have P.E. twice a week, let alone on the first day? Whoever that god forsaken person was Virgil was certain they had a special place in hell. At least whoever created the schedules took mercy on these poor helpless teenagers and put the “class” at the end of the day.

Virgil was hoping and praying to any deity that would be willing to listen that he would not have to sweat on the first day. He was never good at sports. His first instinct was not to catch a ball or run towards someone; it was to dodge the thing flying at his head or to run away from someone running at him.

* * *

Like hell would he be caught unprepared for gym. In order to keep himself as prepared as possible Virgil had decided to wear shorts underneath his sweatpants. That way he was prepared but he could also lessen his anxiety over if people would see the marks on his thighs.

The thing he hadn’t planned on was Logan being in his class. Once Virgil entered the gym and saw the tall, lanky, auburn haired boy, he wanted to run. He was not mentally or emotionally prepared to have to deal with Logan in another class for a whole semester. He couldn’t run though, he had to go to this class.

Virgil already hated P.E. and having Logan in his class would only make this experience so much worse. Winter break had been a literal break from him, so he guessed this was poetic justice for actually being able to put himself first and focus on what he wanted.

He wasn’t angry at Logan, Virgil wasn’t sure that he was ever actually angry at Logan. He was hurt, broken, and alone. Less so now because he was able to recover a little over break and reach out to others to help him. 

He had made some friends online that were more help than his mother ever had been. His first mistake was that he had tried to take this all on alone, when he truly needed the help.  Virgil needed someone to remind him that he was worth it; that what he was going through would get better and he enjoyed the anonymity of the internet.

With their help it had been three days since the last time he self-harmed but before that he had managed ten days! The great thing about these friends was when he relapsed they didn’t treat him like he had fucked up. His friends tried to make sure he took care of himself and that he realized people often relapse it is part of recovery.

* * *

For once in his life Virgil had made the right choice. His teacher Mr. Kelly had decided that the first day would be a great way to gauge where the class stood in terms of physical fitness. Supposedly the teacher wanted to do this again at the end of the year to see if there had been any improvement.

Virgil gave thanks that he could just shed his sweatpants without changing. A forty-five-minute period of time later after everyone was sweaty and gross, Virgil made his way back into the locker room. He had not planned on sweating as much as he did and to keep his shorts on at this point seemed disgusting. So, he waited until everyone left before changing out of his sweaty shorts and back into his sweatpants.

Virgil had removed his sweaty shorts and took in a deep breath enjoying the coolness of the air. He figured he had the time to enjoy calming down after a workout. He wasn’t used to sweating this much and it definitely irritated his “failures.”

It wasn’t necessarily painful but it was uncomfortable. He grabbed his sweats out of the locker and pushed his shorts into his backpack. He moved to put them on, but froze like a deer in headlights when he heard the door open. Virgil looked up at the door and made eye contact with Logan.

* * *

Logan cursed as he headed back to the locker room. He never forgot anything but of course today he just  _had_  to forget his phone and it’s not like he can leave it, his mother would flip. The good thing is that the locker room should be empty. So he can get in and out without having to deal with people.

He opened the door seeing that his suspicion was correct or at he thought it was until he heard a gasp; he instinctively turned towards the noise and felt his heart drop at the sight. Even from here Logan could see the marks on Virgil’s thighs, there were so many. Some fresher than others while still others much deeper.

Logan swallowed hard and looked to meet Virgil’s scared eyes, “V….” his voice cracked, “W–what happened?”

Virgil shrugged and pulled his sweats the rest of the way up, while he isn’t angry anymore he is still hurt, “My life was….is falling apart and this how I coped.” Virgil sat down on the bench in defeat, apparently there was no avoiding this conversation.

Logan walked over and sat next to Virgil, then reached out a hand towards his friend’s knee, “Why didn’t you come talk to me?”

Virgil scoffed, “You have Garret, Logan! I didn’t want to bother you. You were already canceling plans, if I told you about these things, what would you have done? You would’ve left sooner or tried to fix me, when I am not broken!” The tears were flowing, he was overwhelmed, he didn’t want to talk about this.

Logan retracted his hand and looked at his feet, taking in a shaky breath, “You still should’ve come to me.”

Virgil was hitting his limit, Logan wasn’t listening, “Well you should’ve put forth some effort to keep your fucking friends,” his words came out in a tone much more venomous than he expected.

Logan winced at the hatred in Virgil’s voice, “I–I know, V. I got caught up in the new thing and I wish I could back and fix it all but I can’t! I fucking can’t! But if it makes you feel any better Virgil, he was dick!” Logan knew his voice was rising but he couldn’t help it. He felt responsible about what happened. He had truly hurt Virgil in ways he had never imagined nor wanted, how would they move forward from here.

 

Virgil curled in on himself at the raising of Logan’s voice and in a small whisper said, “No…Lo, that does not make me feel better. The only the thing that made me feel better, was that at least I could imagine you happy.”

Logan took a deep breath, he hadn’t told anyone yet. He wasn’t sure he was ready to talk about it but he needed Virgil back in his life. He couldn’t face this alone, he needed a support system, even one person was better than no one.  Logan took another steadying breath then spoke, “Garret and I….we were…happy…once. Eventually I realized he wanted just a physical relationship and to control me. I broke off the relationship in December.”

Virgil groaned, “So neither of us were happy, that is shitty.” He laughed nervously, “why didn’t you come talk to me?”

Logan laughed, “I thought I had completely fuck up our friendship.”

Virgil sighed, “Yeah, maybe, but you know I’m too forgiving for my own good. Still I’m sorry I wasn’t there to help you.”

Logan chuckled and continued to look at his feet, trying to avoid eye contact, “Well…its not like I would’ve let you–you had your own shit too.”

Virgil can see how difficult this is for Logan and reached out a hand to pat Logan on the knee but the auburn haired boy nearly fell off the bench trying to get away. It was only then that he noticed the way Logan’s shirt rode up. He had lost weight and were those bruises on his hip? Virgil tried to get a closer look but Logan was faster, “That’s not normal, you know that right? Those marks, that reaction none of it.”

Logan tugged his shirt back down and smoothed out his appearance, “I was hoping you wouldn’t see them, that no one would see them. I was good at hiding them for months. I never wanted anyone to know just how fucked up I was, how broken, how beaten down. I wanted to handle it on my own. I’ll get better, V.”

Virgil looked at Logan who was still avoiding his gaze, “Lo, that bastard did this to you and you didn’t tell anyone? You hid it from everyone because of your stupid ego! Logan you are smarter than that! You know better than to try and do this alone!” Virgil’s voice cracked with worry as his voice rose with anger.

Logan flinched, he had never heard Virgil raise his voice, it was too much like Garret. He could feel his body stiffen and the instinct to run. While logically he knew that Virgil would never hurt him, his mind and body refused to listen to reason.

Virgil picked up on Logan’s body language and took a breath to calm down before he hurt his poor nerd, “Hey Lo, it’s okay. Can I touch you and try something?”

Logan nodded not trusting his voice but looking towards Virgil so that if he was in danger at least he could anticipate it.

Virgil slowly reached out for Logan’s hand and place it over his heart, “Breath in time with me Logan. I am not going to hurt you. I promise Lo, I would never hurt you. You are a human being and deserve to be treated as such. You deserve to be happy and cared for. The healing process for both of us, is going to take time. But Logan you are not going to have to do this alone, not unless you want to.”

Logan tried to match his breathing to Virgil’s and listen to the words that he was saying but it all sounded muffled like he was under water, “V…v.”

Virgil reached out his other hand, “Logan, listen to my words. You are safe, I’m here, I will stay with you if that is what you want. I won’t let you get hurt. Breath with me. Fill your lung entirely Lo, I know it’s hard and it hurts, but listen to me.”

Logan looked into Virgil’s eyes. The tears were flowing and god did he hate crying but he felt helpless. His eyes searched Virgil’s, grey eyes, trying to find something to ground himself, anything. He felt like he was drowning, but feeling Virgil’s heartbeat helped, to feel something so steady and unchanging. His breathing hadn’t calmed to the normal level but it had slowed a bit, “Virgil, I–I’m scared.”

Virgil nodded and leaned his forehead against Logan’s, “I know Lo, and that is okay. It is okay to be scared. That is a valid feeling, but I have you now. This doesn’t fix everything between us, but I am not letting you try and heal yourself.”

Logan laughed sadly, “V, I’m not letting you go either. I know this won’t fix everything and that I fucked up…. but we need each other. We still have three more years of high school and to be honest it sucked without you.”

Virgil wiped at the tears on his own face, “It sucked without you too Lo, we can support each other. We do need each other. We’ll keep each other grounded.” He placed a hand on top of the one Logan had on his chest, “This heartbeat is a meaning to live. We both have a purpose. We aren’t done giving this world hell.” He moved the hand to Logan’s chest, “We are both still alive, these heartbeats are a reason to keep living. The best reason to keep living is out of spite. You and I are going to be stronger for this. We can keep living and live our lives to the fullest, but we can’t do it alone. Actually, I don’t want to do it alone.”

Logan shook his head, “Well neither of us are going to do it alone. From now own V, we can support each other and look out for one another.”

Virgil swallowed hard, “I had been alone for so long that I forgot how to let people in, Lo. I eventually did find a support system in a bunch of strangers and even an older student but none of them are who I really wanted. You know me better than I dare let anyone else attempt. I have so many walls and while those walls for you have gone back up; I can tell yours have too. Neither of us are going to force the walls down and I know they will come down, but for now, we have to be patient.”

Logan breathed a heavy sigh, “I’m glad you found a support system apart from me, Virgil. No one should ever have to be alone unless they want to. We both know you hate most of the human population but you dread being alone. Your mind gets illogical, unreasonable, and too loud.”

Virgil laughed a little, “Lo, you are reminding me that if we ever did end of friendship, I would have to kill you. You know far too much for my safety.”

Logan broke into a smile and leaned on to Virgil’s shoulder, “I expect nothing less from you, V.”

* * *

While this conversation wouldn’t fix everything between both of them it is the first step. The walls will take years to get down but eventually, they will find the right rhythm. For right now they have each other and it will be a long road to healing but for now, this is enough.


End file.
